Help! My Partner is Boring

man asleep in bed with woman next to him awake and looking bored

You’ve just met the perfect person and couldn’t have asked for more. They’re kind, considerate, and very respectful. However, there’s just one little thing that bothers you. They’re boring.

They want to watch a movie at home whenever you want to go out. Whenever you want to try something new, such as skydiving, they say there’s no way they’re paying to jump out of a plane. At that point, you can’t figure out if they’re boring or just plain cheap.

As time progresses in your relationship, it feels like you have less and less in common. You like to hang out with friends. But they prefer to read a book. You want to go away for a weekend getaway at a moment’s notice, but they need at least three months to plan, then end up canceling anyway.

Every relationship has its ups and downs. However, the early stages are typically exciting and intense because everything is new, and you’re just getting to know one another.

Then, gradually as the relationship grows and you become more comfortable with each other, you feel more like best friends than lovers. If it keeps up, you may feel like roommates and not the FWB kind, either.

Finally, your relationship has hit the snooze button. You’re still together, but it’s basically just plodding along.

While it’s good to be free from conflict, you probably feel unsatisfied and uninspired to try new things. However, you still want to inject excitement into your otherwise monotonous relationship. But should you even bother? Maybe it’s time to move on.

What if you’re not sure if you’re even in a boring relationship? First, check out the signs to find out why some of the excitement wears off. Then, read on to see what you can do to put the spark back into your partner.

Boredom Signs in Your Relationship

  • You start paying less attention to each other
  • You’re not interested in your partner’s feelings, life, or interests
  • You become uneasy thinking about your future with your partner
  • You prefer spending time with other people more than your partner
  • You constantly think about breaking up
  • You don’t intellectually connect anymore
  • You no longer enjoy spending time together
  • You’re constantly annoyed by your partner (or vice versa)
  • There’s no longer an attraction to each other
  • You no longer appreciate each other

Remember, boredom is different from being comfortable. After all, a high comfort level is what we strive for in a relationship and is essential. It means you can be yourself because you trust them.

If you are still attracted to your partner, have stimulating conversations, and continue to go out and have a good time, you are comfortable in your relationship. However, if you feel some of the above points, you may be bored.

Even if you hit bouts of boredom, it doesn’t mean the relationship is over. The hustle of everyday routines typically causes boredom, but when we don’t pay attention, we can fall victim to our mundane lifestyle, which can spill over into our relationship.

Boredom is relatively harmless, but when it signifies a lack of growth, then it becomes an issue. When you don’t show each other the time, affection, or attention needed to maintain a long-term relationship, a lack of interest can steer you in a negative direction.

Why Relationships Become Boring

It’s natural for your relationship to shift from passionate (the beginning stages) to compassionate (after time together.) But boredom is caused by other factors, too. Some of these issues that can play a role in zapping the enthusiasm from your relationship include:

  • You don’t have meaningful discussions- Communication is vital to have a healthy relationship. If you don’t have serious talks about things like your feelings, opinions, and goals, you may feel like you’re growing apart.
  • You don’t have the same interests- If you lack basic compatibility, your relationship can grow tired. While having separate interests is OK, you should have common ground to do things together to stay connected.
  • You don’t have your own interests- As stated above, it’s good to have separate hobbies outside of the relationship because it will help you feel more excited about your life. It also gives you something to discuss with your partner when you reconnect.
  • You no longer make an effort- When you give zero f**ks, you don’t care about anything, including your relationship, so you stop making an effort to do fun things or have deep discussions.
  • You’ve changed who you are for your partner- If you had goals and interests but abandoned them to be with your partner, it’s only a matter of time before you begin to grow tired of suppressing your own needs.

How to Combat a Boring Boyfriend

OK, so now that we’ve differentiated between comfort and boredom, you realize your partner is a real snoozefest.

If you’re honest with yourself, maybe they were always a tad bit dull, but it’s recently reached a whole other level, and quite frankly, you’re sick of it. But maybe your partner isn’t boring on purpose. In other words, maybe they have a reason.

7 Reasons Why Your Partner is B-O-R-I-N-G

Your partner was cool initially, but they’ve been headed to Boring Town on the fast ferry for the past couple of months. They never want to go out, and they do the same thing every day. There was a time they used to have to drag you out, but now the tables have turned.

If you’re wondering why your partner is so dull, here’s what may be happening behind the scenes.

1). You spend too much time together

Of course, there are no rules about how much time you spend canoodling, but you also don’t want to be connected at the hip.

Have you ever spotted an old couple at Cracker Barrel and watched how comfortable they were together, so much so that they ate their food in complete peace and quiet? Are they super hungry, or did they run out of stuff to talk about?

We get to this point when we do everything with someone in a relationship. It’s OK for an older couple that spent a lifetime together, but you should have a lot more to do and say if you’re younger.

Unfortunately, when you spend all your time with one person, you have nothing new to say because THEY WERE THERE WITH YOU WHEN IT HAPPENED.

That’s why it’s crucial to have separate friends, hobbies, and interests so that you have a lot to tell when you reconnect.

2). The honeymoon phase is over

Can you imagine staying in the exciting, sexually charged “getting to know someone” phase forever? Unfortunately, we can’t because a chemical reaction causes those warm and fuzzy feelings that eventually wear off. Sigh.

It’s almost like being high in the beginning weeks and months of your relationship that have you saying, “More, please!” (to the feelings, not the drug.)

During initial attraction, high levels of dopamine and a hormone called norepinephrine are released. This powerful combination is what gives you that giddy, enthusiastic demeanor, which is why you’re in exhilaration mode and can barely eat and sleep. This is what’s known as the “lovesick” phase.

So, it’s a whopper of a red flag if you’ve only just started dating and you already find them a drag. However, if together for some time, understand that the excitement wears off and is just a natural side-effect of a long-term relationship.

Couple on Couch Looking at Phones

The good news is that this is when you begin forming a much deeper connection. You’ve moved on from the more shallow attraction into a deeper spiritual bond.

Unfortunately, this stage is not all intoxicating and sexy like the honeymoon phase. But, staying home on a cold evening, curled up next to each other underneath the covers, is a brand new level of intimacy. But be careful. The flip side is that this new level can quickly taper off and slide you into a routine that can make life seem boring.

3). Your partner has gotten too comfortable

Honestly, many relationships go downhill because one (or both) people cease making an effort. I totally get it because keeping that flame going takes work.

Even though plenty of people are pursuing finding the perfect mate, the reality is that when they do find them, life can become stagnant and boring once we’re living it.

After the wooing period, and they know they got you, your partner may not feel they need to pull out all the stops to impress you anymore.

In other words, no more candy, flowers, and weekend getaways. Instead, those things have been replaced by Netflix, Frozen TV dinners, and folding clothes right out of the dryer. I mean, c’mon, who does that?

As we first begin dating, we try our best to make a good impression, which typically involves showcasing our best qualities (our sense of humor, biceps, etc.) while downplaying our shit qualities (jealous temperament, beer gut.)

After a while, we start feeling more secure and have consciously or subconsciously decided that “our work here is done,” so we fall back into our authentic selves. You can tell the signs if your partner has gone from attentive to constantly distracted in zero point two seconds.

4). You’re with your partner for the wrong reasons

Does your partner have other qualities worth overlooking some boredom here and there?

For example, maybe he’s boring every once in a while, but man, oh, man, are they great in the sack. To you, this is a positive quality that makes it OK to deal with your partner’s sporadic patches of boredom. These positive qualities can outweigh the lack of compatibility in other areas of your relationship.

Perhaps, your relationship is based on a sexual connection, so any other aspects aren’t up to par when not in bed. For example, if you go to dinner but have nothing to talk about. Then, of course, you’re going to be bored. I’m not judging, but let’s be honest; boredom isn’t such a bad thing when the sex is awesome.

Unfortunately, you will reach a point where the physical connection isn’t enough to hold your relationship together for the long haul. Unless you plan to spend all your time together in the bedroom, you will eventually be ready to move on.

5). Get a life

When we find ourselves in a monotonous relationship, whose fault is that? Yours, that’s who. Remember the saying, “only boring people get bored?” That’s absolutely true.

Stop waiting for your partner to take the helm and make a suggestion. When they don’t, you want to shift all the blame on them while you walk away scot-free.

Sorry, it doesn’t work like that. You are in charge of your life, so do something about it. When I was a little girl, I complained to my mom that I was hungry. She’d look at me, and with a confused expression, she’d say, “Go get something to eat, then.”

Right now, I’m telling you to go get something to eat. Fix your boredom issue by suggesting things to do. If they’re not interested, grab a friend and go. So often, people are wrapped up in doing things with their partner that if that doesn’t happen, you can’t do it all.

Four women laughing and toasting beers

Did your partner tell you that? Did they say, “I don’t want to do it, and if I don’t want to, you can’t either?” Is that what they said? If it is, find yourself a new partner.

However, if your mate never stated such a thing, do whatever you feel. It may not be with them, but who cares? If you’ve read this entire article, you’ll see that it states you need to have your own outside interests.

So, let’s imagine your partner doesn’t want to go to the bar with you. Call up your friends and go. And have a damn good time, too!

When you return, tell your partner all the funny stories that happened that night. Next time you go out, ask again. If they don’t want to go, call your friends and head out.

Newsflash! There are no rules that say you must do everything together. Sure, it may be more fun if they went, but if not, no big deal.

If you want your partner to come out with you eventually, stop requesting. Show them how much fun you had when you’ve returned. Then, hopefully, they’ll see that they won’t turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight, and next time, they’ll join you. So what if you consider your partner dull? They are not your life, as you shouldn’t be theirs. Go out and have a good time. Eventually, they’ll see how much fun you’re having and hang out with you.

Even if they don’t, it’s not a big deal. However, at some point, you may need to reevaluate your relationship and decide if they’re the right one for you.

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