If this is the first time you’ve heard of the Enneagram, allow us to significantly improve not only your everyday life but your dating life as well.
Before you get weary and click out of this, don’t worry. We’re not going to try to sell you on a new kind of astrology sign or Myers-Briggs type. The Enneagram is a personality test, but it’s one of the more comprehensive and simple ones that allow you to understand everything from your childhood trauma to how you receive love as an adult.
What is the Enneagram?
The Enneagram was created in 1915 by philosopher George Gurdjieff. Still, it wasn’t until the late 1960s, when the nine personality types were placed into a circle, that soon would create the Enneagram diagram. The Enneagram focuses on nine different personality types.
You can take the enneagram test here, but the main types are:
- The perfectionist
- The helper
- The achiever
- The individualist
- The investigator
- The loyalist
- The enthusiast
- The challenger
- The peacemaker
If you see yourself or your partner in any of these one-word examples, or if you already know your and your partner’s Enneagram type, it might be time to use the Enneagram as a tool to love your partner better than you ever have before.
While the Enneagram is arguably one of the most crucial tools for knowing and loving yourself, it’s also essential to know your partner’s Enneagram type. Unlike other personality tests or astrology signs, the Enneagram delves into who the individual is as a person and the things that make up their personality.
How to Love an Enneagram Type One
Something about type Ones is that they never do anything half-heartedly. Suppose you’re in a relationship with an Enneagram type One. In that case, they might have difficulty showing that they love you through PDA or words of affection. According to eclectic energies, “The relentlessness of their pursuit of the ideal can make Ones tense people who have a hard time relaxing and who unnecessarily deny themselves many of the harmless pleasures of life. They tend to be emotionally repressed and uncomfortable expressing tender feelings; they generally see emotionality as a sign of weakness and lack of control.”
If you’re in a relationship with a One, try to love them in ways that won’t make them feel uncomfortable or vulnerable, as the feeling of being in love might already be a bit overwhelming for a control-enthusiast.
If you want to love your One, ask them how you can help them. While Ones often like to do their work themselves because no one can do it quite like them, relieving them from some of that pressure might help them relax. Ones are also very passionate. If your partner is a One, they likely have two or three things they invest nearly all of their free time and energy into. Invest in those interests and enjoy your partner’s passions with them.
How to Love an Enneagram Type Two
Enneagram twos are some of the best partners a person could ask for. Twos are the helpers of the Enneagram. They’re often empathetic and help anyone and everyone out at a moment’s notice. Twos have spent their entire lives loving others and often don’t receive the same amount of love they put into the world.
Because one of the main ways twos genuinely feel love is by loving others, they can often get burnt out and even resentful about love. Eclectic Energies says, “Twos are warm, emotional people who care a great deal about their personal relationships, devote an enormous amount of energy to them, and who expect to be appreciated for their efforts… Helping others makes Twos feel good about themselves; being needed makes them feel important; being selfless makes Twos feel virtuous.”
Because Twos love so hard, you will soon become their world if you’re in a relationship with them. Twos are the biggest lovers of all of the Enneagram types, and they will make you feel loved no matter what. Because love and service are at the core of what a Two is, it’s easy for them to attach themselves and their identity to whomever they’re in a relationship with.
Make sure you tell your partner that you love them because they’re themselves, not because of what they do for you or the fact that they’re in a relationship with you. Because Twos love harder than any other type, it is often hard for someone who isn’t on their level to love as much as they do. Try to love your Two as much as they love you; I promise they won’t make it that hard.
How to Love an Enneagram Type Three
Do you know those people who will start a conversation talking about all they’ve done in a day and what they accomplish? What about the people who need you to know their job titles and how much they make? More times than not, these are the Enneagram Threes of the world.
Threes in the Enneagram are the least in touch with their feelings, so you might often feel shut off from your Three emotionally. Threes usually function on auto-pilot in order to ‘get the job done’ and appear to be in the best relationship and have the best family. That said, encourage your Three to express their feelings and get in touch with who they are and how they want to be loved.
Eclectic Energies notes that “Threes can sometimes find intimacy difficult. Their need to be validated for their image often hides a deep sense of shame about who they really are, a shame they unconsciously fear will be unmasked if another gets too close. Threes are often generous and likable, but are difficult to really know.”
How to Love and Enneagram Type Four
Enneagram Fours are also called the romantics of the Enneagram. They need to be the most unique and interesting people in the room at all times. Fours are also the most reflective type, leading them to often overthink or get stuck in the melancholy of nostalgia and memories. As a Four gets into a relationship, they’re going to search for someone who can help them defeat this sadness.
If you’re in a relationship with a Four, you might notice that they are overthinkers and often fear abandonment. Anxiety plays a huge part in a Four’s brain when they’re in relationships, and it shows.
The core need of a Four is to be understood. While it might take a while to delve into all the complexities of your Enneagram Four, all they want is to see you making an effort to understand them with all of their deep and dark feelings and still choosing to love them.
How to Love an Enneagram Type Five
The Enneagram Five is one of the most withdrawn and thoughtful of all the nine types. A Five will often get overwhelmed when presented with too many emotions, and their natural reaction will be to withdraw. Like Threes, Fives distance themselves from emotional responses and will often leave a situation if things get too emotional.
It’s often difficult for Fives to show too much emotion or allow people to see their thoughts. Make sure to show interest in what your Five loves and encourage them to talk about their passions for as long as they want. Odds are, their sharing their passions with you is a form of adoration. Don’t let that go unnoticed.
How to Love an Enneagram Type Six
The Enneagram Six is often labeled as the most relationship-oriented and anxious type on the circle. Sixes are loyalists to their core. If you mess with someone they love, you should expect repercussions.
Eclectic Energies says, “Sixes don’t trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty. The loyalty of the Six is something of a two-edged sword, however, as Sixes are sometimes prone to stand by a friend, partner, job, or cause even long after it is time to move on.”
If you’re in a relationship with a six, you’ll know. These are often the partners who ask you unending questions about if you love them, if they messed up, or if your relationship is okay. The best thing you can do for your Six is to reassure them that you adore them and nothing can change that.
How to Love and Enneagram Type Seven
Often labeled as the most fun Enneagram type, Sevens are always bursting with energy and a zest for life. Sevens are always looking to have a good time but aren’t necessarily in it for a long time. Being in a long-term relationship with a Seven might be difficult because the type is so oriented to always be moving on and looking for the best next thing.
If you’re in a relationship with a Seven, get ready for the ride of your life. Sevens try to avoid feelings of boredom or any instance where they have to examine their dark feelings. Because of this, they will often avoid long-term or serious relationships.
There are two ways you can approach loving a Seven. One is to jump on the bandwagon and allow them to take you for a ride. This will most likely not be long-term, and you will experience a ton of excitement but soon get burnt out.
The other option is to ground your Seven. Allow them to see the joys in everyday life without letting them run wild and get exhausted. While this might be a bit difficult, it will create a stable ground for your relationship without allowing you to get burnt out.
How to Love an Enneagram Type Eight
Being in a relationship with an Eight is simultaneously one of the most rewarding and challenging tasks you can ever take on. Eights are the challengers of the Enneagram, meaning they will often debate, nitpick, and tear apart nearly everything you say. So you better present them with evidence if you’re going to make an argument.
Usually, Eights were the children who didn’t get enough love. They had to grow up too fast, so their defenses have been up about relationships for a long time.
Eclectic Energies talks about how “Eights have a hard time lowering their defenses in intimate relationships. Intimacy involves emotional vulnerability, which is one of the Eight’s deepest fears.” The Eight fears betrayal and vulnerability more than anything else, and relationships often require both.
That being said, Eights are fierce protectors, and if you are loved by an Eight, you will be protected forever. If you’re in a relationship with an Eight, acknowledge and celebrate all they do for you and how they love you. But also allow them to feel comfortable letting their guard down and not jumping up to fight at any given moment.
How to Love an Enneagram Type Nine
Enneagram Nines are one type that needs a relationship to feel empowered. A Nine’s biggest desire in the world is to create peace and harmony, but they also want to feel that peace too. If you’re in a relationship with a Nine, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “I don’t care what we do,” or, “Let’s stay in,” about a million times.
Nines are not initiators but are usually happy to go along with whatever everyone else wants to do. That being said, they can often get stuck in a rut and repeat the same day and habits over and over again because it’s comfortable for them. Like Sixes, Nines find it hard to let go of people they love and will often hold onto someone’s memory long after a relationship is over.
If you’re in a relationship with a Nine, use patience. Ask them what they want to do every day, and be patient with them as they figure it out. Nines often override their innermost thoughts and desires to go along with what the group wants, so they’re not used to acknowledging what they actually want. When a Nine shares their passions with you, they are being vulnerable and strong, and you should treat that with respect and love.
Enneagram is Great for Dating & Relationships – Take the Test!
If you and your partner haven’t taken the Enneagram test yet, do that tonight and see all the things you can learn and unlock about each other! If you want more Enneagram content, please let us know.