11 Signs He’s Just an Affair and Not the One

Woman on date with man wondering if he is the one

A common mistake people tend to make is assuming that their highly passionate, intense relationships indicate that someone is their soulmate. 

When you imagine a soulmate, passion is definitely on the list. That intensity is because it’s meant to be. However, at the same time, you can also have an intense relationship that’s a complete train wreck. 

Here are signs that you’re in an intense relationship with an expiration date. It’s not really meant to be because this person is not the one.

1. People Have Told You That You Shouldn’t Be Together

Of course, there are times that your family and friends may not like your partner, but if they have sat you down and pleaded with you to dump him, they may be aware of something you’re not. People only pull their loved ones aside and beg them to leave their partner when they’re scared of the grip someone has on them, and they believe that they could be in danger. 

So what do you do when this happens with your circle of friends? The first step is to ask them why they’re asking you to leave. If your friends have a genuine reason, they’ll be more than happy to divulge the truth.

If it’s only one friend who confides in you instead of several, get another opinion. Maybe your friend is jumping to conclusions, and perhaps they’re not. At times like this, it’s best to see another point of view and then assess the situation.  

2. The Intensity Is Because of Cheating, Arguing, or Abuse

There is such a thing as traumatic bonding, which often happens with people in abusive relationships. With traumatic bonding, you may be passionately attached to someone who isn’t a good match for you because your brain is hooked on the “love chemicals” the body produces during the courtship phase. 

For example, if you find yourself upset and crying often or wondering why he can’t be a nice guy like he used to be, he’s not your soulmate. He’s an abuser who has frequent, high-intensity outbursts, and you should leave him alone.  

3. You Honestly Feel like You Have Nothing in Common

Often, we don’t want to believe the negative about our relationship, so we tend to ignore it. But, if you were honest, you know you have zero in common with your partner. You don’t have any joint goals, you don’t value the same thing, and you even hate his favorite television show. You two have nothing in common, and you know this, but you don’t want to admit it. Soulmates typically have at least one thing to bond over aside from sex. So, if this rings true for you, he is not the one. 

Sometimes, couples believe they don’t mesh because they don’t do things together. That’s not to say that you can’t find something in common. However, if you’ve tried his favorite activities, read his favorite book, and attempted a bunch of other things to get on the same page and it still didn’t work, he is not your soulmate, and you should move on. 

4. The Passion Is Lop-Sided

If you’re the only one showing passion in this relationship, he’s not your soulmate. Are you the one making the dinner reservations every time you go out? Do you plan little surprise weekend getaways while he barely makes an effort to show up? If this sounds like you, he’s not The One. 

It’s great that you’re putting into the relationship, but if he doesn’t reciprocate your efforts, you can feel like you’re being taken advantage of.

Stop wasting your time and energy and move on to someone who will appreciate the value you bring to the relationship.

5. Most of the Qualities You like about Him Are Superficial

If you’re being sincere, you know that the only reason you like him is because of his car, his job, and you think he looks hot. Soulmates have a deeper, more intense connection than material things. So, if you can’t come up with anything you genuinely like about his personality, it’s not the love you’re feeling. You’re just in lust. 

Can you learn to love non-materialistic things about him? Sure, you can, but if it takes a significant effort on your part, why bother? Sometimes chemistry isn’t there, and that’s okay. But if you feel he could be worth it, try getting to know him on a deeper level. 

Instead of always going out to parties, try hanging out around the house and spending time communicating. The key is to search deeper within his soul to find out his likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals. You can always obtain material things, but if he’s your soulmate, you want his heart. 

6. One or Both Did Bad Things in the Relationship

Domestic abuse is always a reason to run–not walk–out of the relationship. If he hit you, got you fired, or publicly humiliated you, he’s not your guy. He is abusive, and you need to leave the relationship ASAP. 

Often, people stick around in abusive relationships for several reasons, including having nowhere else to go and believing the abuser loves them. This is a big misconception that can cause significant trouble in the future. If your partner has ever abused you emotionally or physically, seek help now because they are not your soulmate. 

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7. You Both Could Never Make a Long-Term Relationship Work

If you both can’t agree on the essential things you need as far as a long-term committed relationship goes, he’s likely not the one for you. 

When “deal breaker” factors clash, it’s apparent that being in a relationship will never work unless one of you is miserable. For example, if you don’t like kids and he wants a basketball team of them, it’s not meant to be. Your “one” will want to be DINK (Dual Income No Kids) just like you. 

8. He’s Always Trying to Change You

Is he constantly critiquing your appearance, the things you say, or the things you do? If so, it’s likely not meant to be. An intense relationship can be that way because of the pressure one person puts on the other. 

A soulmate doesn’t have to like everything about you, but they inspire you to better yourself and will do it in such a way that it makes you happy with who you are. Similarly, he’s also not a soulmate if you’re insistent on making him change everything about himself to suit your lifestyle and needs. 

9. You Expecting the Worst but Still Hoping for the Best

It’s not a good sign if you’re expectations are so low that you’re expecting the relationship not to work. No one goes into a situation thinking, “This probably won’t work, but oh well, we’ll see what happens anyway.”

Healthy relationships rarely involve constant uphill battles, especially when it comes to commitment. For example, you’ve signed up for dating apps like eHarmony and Match. You met a guy and started dating. However, that’s where it stops.

You can’t get him to commit to a monogamous relationship, and you’re frustrated. You continue to date, but you don’t see a future with him. When you’re struggling to get him to seal the deal and buy a ring, he’s likely not the one for you.

While you can’t bully or rush anyone into a commitment, you both should be on the same page regarding the future. If they’re telling you they aren’t interested in a long-term commitment, or they hide from the “what are we?” conversation altogether, he’s not your soulmate. You both want different things but have yet to come out and admit it. 

How to Get Him to Commit

Are you tired of jumping from relationship to relationship? If you want a guy to commit to you, here are a few ways to make him look at you as wifey material

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1. Tiny Surprises

Some guys say they hate surprises, but that’s not always true. As long as the surprises aren’t over-the-top or put him in an awkward position, he will likely appreciate his girl taking her time to do something thoughtful for him.

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2. Be Decisive

Don’t you just hate the “what do you wanna do?” back and forth? We all have indecisive moments, but this kind of behavior can be draining. Guys like it when their woman takes charge every once in a while. Plan a date and see it all the way through and watch him smile. 

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3. Be On Time

Nothing is worse than sitting around waiting on you. Show respect for your man and be on time if you have plans to meet somewhere. If you say you’ll be there at nine, walk through the door at 8:58 and not a minute later.

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4. Keep Your Life without Him

Show him that you’re there for him, but you also have a life. Guys don’t appreciate a woman who is at his every beck and call. Never lose yourself in your relationship.

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5. Keep Your Business Private

Stop putting him on social media blast whenever you two disagree. No matter how angry or upset you are, please don’t scream, belittle him or call him names in a public setting. You shouldn’t do that behind closed doors, so what makes you think doing it in front of strangers is okay?

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6. Keep an Open Mind When It Comes to Sex

Your guy might like to try new things in the bedroom. How open are you to that? Studies indicate that guys are more in tune with women who will at least try new things behind closed doors. However, never allow anyone to push you into doing something you don’t feel comfortable doing. 

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7. Leave the Drama Behind

Society often says women have a higher tendency to be dramatic, and perhaps that’s true. But don’t be the stereotype. Learn how to control your emotions so you don’t have to sweat the small things. 

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8. Have Fun

There’s nothing guys like more than to be able to joke around and laugh with their significant other. Life is serious; you don’t have to be. Besides, laughter makes you feel good, and don’t we all want to feel good?

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9. Be Playful

Tease your man every once in a while. Sharing this type of vulnerability with your guy is a good way to connect on another level. 

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10. Stop Trying to Be Right

There’s no bigger turnoff than for someone always trying to be right. It’s okay to correct your partner here and there, but if you obsessed over making your point, you’re sabotaging the relationship. Would you rather be right or happy?

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11. It’s Not All about Looks

Men do not expect you to look perfect, so stop obsessing. In fact, most guys find it unattractive when their girlfriend spends too much time obsessing over her looks.

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12. Be Reliable

You man wants to know he can count on you. He wants to know you’ll show up when you say you will, and you’ll be there for him as he will for you.

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13. Be Supportive

It doesn’t matter if he wants to continue his education, pursue a new career, or start a brand new company; support him in all his ventures. So, when he comes to you and says he wants to start an old-school hip-hop group, ask if you can be his backup dancer.

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14. Appreciate Him

You’d be astonished by how far a simple “please” and “thank you” goes. Sometimes after dating for a while, a couple can get comfortable with one another, and the insignificant gestures that used to be a big deal become standard. 

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15. Trust Him

If you feel as though you’re always playing the detective and tracking your man down, you may have some trust issues. To be happy in your relationship, you must trust your man.

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16. Show Unconditional Love

You must love your guy through thick and thin and through good times and bad. If you want him to commit to you, lift your limitations and love him unconditionally. 

10. It Just Feels Wrong

One problem many people have with dating is that they don’t trust their gut. They’re busy trying to force a guy to become committed and get frustrated when that doesn’t happen. If they had listened to their intuition from the beginning, they would’ve realized that their connection with this person was wrong on so many levels. Instead, they spent time and energy forcing themselves to be with someone who didn’t want to be with them.

Then there are the times when you’re in a relationship, and you feel like he doesn’t really understand you, or you have a sinking feeling that something about your connection is off.

Wherever the feeling is, a healthy relationship won’t give you bad vibes. If it doesn’t feel good, it’s not good. No matter what they say, this guy isn’t your soulmate.

You can have intense feelings for someone, but that doesn’t make them your soulmate. A soulmate is one who gives you encouragement and uplifts you, not brings you down. If you don’t get those feelings from your partner, chances are they aren’t your soulmate and you should consider moving on. 

11. You Don’t Like Them

You may be thinking if you’re in an intense affair, how can you not like them? This case scenario happens frequently. You’re in a romantic relationship with someone, and the sexual chemistry is great. However, that’s the only thing you have in common. When you finally get out of bed, you realize that you don’t actually like this person. They have a bad attitude, are rude, and their personality sucks.

Can you chill with the person daily, or are you avoiding them when they call? If the latter, it indicates that they aren’t your soulmate and are only there to fill a sexual need. No judgment. Many relationships like this exist but understand that they aren’t The One. Stop trying to force a square peg through a round hole.  


Not all relationships are meant to be The One, and that’s okay. Depending upon where a person is in their life, they may only want a hot, sizzling affair instead of a long-term commitment. If that’s you, take it for what it’s worth and have fun. When you’re ready, you’ll find your perfect match. 

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